*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
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I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized