Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
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Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics