*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you鈥檝e just finished so you say something like: I鈥檓 done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don鈥檛 call your bluff
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 馃檮馃檮馃槀
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I鈥檓 still fat because I didn鈥檛 do any of it.
WHY?!
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she鈥檚 about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
People ask if I鈥檓 worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.