[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
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Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.