@TheHyyyype

[third date]

ME: i want you to meet my parents

HER: uhh, don’t you think it’s a little too early for that?

ME: nah, it’s after 7, they should be home by now

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@mattytalks

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

@NintenDom

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

@BromanConsul

My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.

@girlontapas

Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.

@jordan_stratton

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

@realHamOnWry

There’s a difference between when a woman is furious and when she’s irate. It’s the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.

@Rollinintheseat

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

@jellybnbonanza

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

@bridger_w

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

@thatUPSdude

I keep my car insurance deductible high just to help me fight the urge from side swiping people that don’t use a blinker.