I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
ME: i want you to meet my parents
HER: uhh, don’t you think it’s a little too early for that?
ME: nah, it’s after 7, they should be home by now
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I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.
Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
There’s a difference between when a woman is furious and when she’s irate. It’s the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I keep my car insurance deductible high just to help me fight the urge from side swiping people that don’t use a blinker.