Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
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There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell