I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
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I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I never needed anything more in my life
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.