THIRD RULE OF FIGHT CLUB: Only one juice box per person.

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Things I know I cannot do but still try to:

1. Cartwheel
2. Hit the high note
3. Move things with my mind
4. Eat ‘just one’
5. Be Cool


You are what your parents ate too..I’m part black licorice..part hot dog.


Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?



Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!


She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.


If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.


I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator


*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao


I saw a woman crying on a park bench so I sat down and hugged her and whispered “please stop stealing my spotlight”





me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]