A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
‘I know a black person’
– White people
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.