@delusions_of

THIRD RULE OF FIGHT CLUB: Only one juice box per person.

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@perrypotters

Things I know I cannot do but still try to:

1. Cartwheel
2. Hit the high note
3. Move things with my mind
4. Eat ‘just one’
5. Be Cool

@kimwilliamz

You are what your parents ate too..I’m part black licorice..part hot dog.

@JediGigi

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

@earfdae

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

@RobSprance

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

@crazylikeanox

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

@Brampersandon_

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

@mattingebretson

I saw a woman crying on a park bench so I sat down and hugged her and whispered “please stop stealing my spotlight”

@coolauntV

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]