Thirty years ago, Marco Rubio was bitten by a radioactive doormat.

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Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?



[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?


My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back


Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.


ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit


[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?


Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.


A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before