@GuyEndoreKaiser
@CatsVsHumanity
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
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@CatsVsHumanity
@david8hughes
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
@DocAtCDI
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
@OhNoSheTwitnt
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
@FeelingEuphoric
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
@TheToddWilliams
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
@TheHatStore
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
@batsVsupes
@christinaloca
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
@InternetHippo
A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before