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@michaeldean0116

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

@hattiesoykan

naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg

@robininthegreen

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

@Elizasoul80

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

@flashember

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

@ehdannyboy

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

@TeflonPawn

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.