16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
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[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.