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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
They’re not wrong
Ugh
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it