This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
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[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.