This alcohol tastes like there’s a sock getting lucky tonight.

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[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help


Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.


Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*


GF – What’s that beeping?
Me – Fasten Seatbelt Alarm.
GF – How can you ignore something so annoying?

Me – Huh?


Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason.

– kids


I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…


If the world was made of LSD, I’d learn to walk on my tongue.


[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]