If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
You Might Also Like
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
For those that worship cheese..
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?