This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
You Might Also Like
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.