@asaltiercorpse

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

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@carlyken

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

@abbycohenwl

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

@LuvPug

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

@Darlainky

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

@KingsnorthAP

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

@ClareBarry

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

@zipoffs

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

@TheHyyyype

[third date]

ME: i want you to meet my parents

HER: uhh, don’t you think it’s a little too early for that?

ME: nah, it’s after 7, they should be home by now

@mydmac

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good