This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

- @asaltiercorpse

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heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists


update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared


ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?


Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”


Why can’t I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?


CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.


EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off


Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?


Fun game:

Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says…

“Wow…Are you sure that was for me?”

And wait.


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