This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
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Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
There’s never enough good news
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.