Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
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dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
CNN writer: how’s this – my phone is missing.
CNN exec: meh
Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!
*CNN exec absolutely loses it*
Don’t be shy, send that 8th unresponded text
[i walk in with broken ribs and face bleeding]
yeah but you should see the other guy!
[cut to: horse just chilling in a field enjoying life]
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!