@MrSandeepP

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

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@LostFelicia

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

@Reverend_Scott

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

@SeptapusDenny

CNN writer: how’s this – my phone is missing.

CNN exec: meh

Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!

*CNN exec absolutely loses it*

@jazmasta

[i walk in with broken ribs and face bleeding]
yeah but you should see the other guy!
[cut to: horse just chilling in a field enjoying life]

@JimmerThatisAll

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

@squirrel74wkgn

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

@FunnyMojoJojo

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!