This anagram machine is out of order.
You Might Also Like
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Unexpected Judgment
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.