Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
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Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Erm I’m gonna say no
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*