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I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no