@pearlylondon

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

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@Ygrene

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

@DadandBuried

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

@dsmitty62

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

@theroyaltramp

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.

@OctopusCavemann

Kid: I had a nightmare. There were these flowers but then they turned into clowns and they swung around this elephant and then demon faces came out and the whole time there was this awful music playing.

Cirque Du Soleil Producer: *taking notes* go on.

@Be___Dope

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

@envydatropic

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

@joe_binkley

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”