Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
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Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.
I think my liver would like a body transplant.
Kid: I had a nightmare. There were these flowers but then they turned into clowns and they swung around this elephant and then demon faces came out and the whole time there was this awful music playing.
Cirque Du Soleil Producer: *taking notes* go on.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”