@Tmoney68

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

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@introvertedwife

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

@fro_vo

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

@daemonic3

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

@ClaytonSykes

That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.

@Dirty_Naomi

Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?

@mdob11

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

@TheIronSherk

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

@WilliamRodgers

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

@rolldiggity

Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.