This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

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I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.


Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying


Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”


That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.


Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?


*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*


Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam


“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order


Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.