A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
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If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Note to self: always read the final line
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom