@DitzMcGeee

this bacon wrapped sausage is making me feel uncomfortable.

You Might Also Like

@Cravin4

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

@TheTrueCam

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

@joerogan

I know I spend too much time on my phone because I was reading a magazine and I just tried to enlarge the picture by spreading my fingers.

@HatefulUnicorn

me: the king is dead

them: long live the king

me: buddy did you not hear what i just said

@squirrel74wkgn

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

@nyquills

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

@NoTheOtherJohn

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

@drewjanda

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

@ObscureGent

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.