this bacon wrapped sausage is making me feel uncomfortable.

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Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.


Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done


I know I spend too much time on my phone because I was reading a magazine and I just tried to enlarge the picture by spreading my fingers.


me: the king is dead

them: long live the king

me: buddy did you not hear what i just said


[at Taco Bell]


Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ


Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”


ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..


Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think


Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.