Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
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Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one
Mouth: Haven gice done
I know I spend too much time on my phone because I was reading a magazine and I just tried to enlarge the picture by spreading my fingers.
me: the king is dead
them: long live the king
me: buddy did you not hear what i just said
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Just how popey was the pope today?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.