Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
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If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
When your parents check you’re ok.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”