This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning