[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
You Might Also Like
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?