This bar smells like my childhood.
You Might Also Like
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.