@michelada74

This bar smells like my childhood.

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@Willie1derful

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

@famouscrab

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

@KenJennings

*Jesus comes into the house*
Judas: Jesus, close the door! Were you born in a barn?
*room gets super quiet*
Judas: Uh right. I forgot. Sorry

@Iffy_hazard

Have been an Arsenal fan for barely an hour and I’m already frustrated,how have they been coping for the past decade?😭

@Mechaniz10

I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.

See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.

@juskewitch

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

@badbanana

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

@SteveKoehler22

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

@HenpeckedHal

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.