This bar smells so bad and I can’t tell who’s homeless and who’s a hipster.

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People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.


All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.


ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot


OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.


I just hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn’t make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad.


*breathes on window creating condensation

*starts to write in condensation


*head slams into window and breaks it


I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.


Once when my son was little he told me that I saved him from the zombies in his nightmare by hitting them over the head with bags of groceries and saying “how rude!” when they tried to bite people.