I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
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For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.