This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
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[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius