One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
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*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
File under excellent bookstore names.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!