It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
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You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I need a headline like this
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it