A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
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Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?