My doctor said i shouldn’t just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can’t drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
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– Spider tinder
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
[after frodo throws the ring into the volcano]
VOLCANO: omg yes!
FRODO: i love you
VOLCANO: i love you too
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
That moment you could pass as an Olympic speed walker because you are racing to the bathroom.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.