@8rustystaples

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

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@Lexi__Alexandra

My doctor said i shouldn’t just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can’t drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.

@mofrorock

“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*

– Spider tinder

@nicfit75

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

@trojansauce

[after frodo throws the ring into the volcano]
FRODO: well?
VOLCANO: omg yes!
FRODO: i love you
VOLCANO: i love you too

@druuuck

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

@MisterD78UK

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

@daemonic3

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

@ShawnIzadi

That moment you could pass as an Olympic speed walker because you are racing to the bathroom.

@stopbylater

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.