@8rustystaples

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

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@pilau

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

@juliussharpe

The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks.

@Divergentmama

Me: when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me

My teenage son: nice

@Brampersandon_

[Evan]: This new hair product is the best
[Brad]: Yeah. Check out Jack still using mousse
[Jack]: *with Bullwinkle on his head* Shut up guys

@thatUPSdude

Me: Want some of my nachos?

Coworker: I don’t like nachos.

Me: Hello 911, what’s consider premeditated murder?

@rockstarfish

Today, coworker deemed herself “unscareable”. Now I have no choice but to hide in the backseat of her car with an axe & correct her grammar.

@MooseAllain

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

@envydatropic

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now