@8rustystaples

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

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@pilau

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

@SarcasticAlly12

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

@JJSummertime

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

@bryanmcc74

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

@RealCarrotFacts

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

@RodLacroix

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

@capnwatsisname

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

@Tups13

Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?