This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
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I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
whatcha thinkin bout
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs