Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
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When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Child: What about-
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?