Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
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If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!