@Glennot73

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

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@edgarrants

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

@kevinrowe1

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

@apollilaire

hello id like a reservation for two. also what is yr policy on cats. i wanna bring like seven cats. ive practiced fitting them on one chair

@GrumpyComments

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

@ninatreemonkey

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

@AngstromHoot

Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him