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If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
my favorite genre of twitter
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something