@UnFitz

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

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@AbbyHasIssues

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

@WilliamAder

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

@jessokfine

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

@TheAlexNevil

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

@bridger_w

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

@david8hughes

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

@SardonicTart

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

@LoveNLunchmeat

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

@OwensDamien

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.