If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
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More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.