This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
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I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.