This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

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I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.


You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.


Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.


I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies


The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him


And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19


Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.


Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.


My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.


Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.