@knot_eye

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

You Might Also Like

@AimeeHelene1

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

@1Happytwit

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

@CarmenLagala

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

@pleatedjeans

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

@octoberjuneblog

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

@UncleDuke1969

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

@AComicTragedy

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

@Darlainky

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

@wife_housy

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

@felicityward

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.