I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
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This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
“Its not you. Its me.”
~ twins going through a photo album
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
On your first day of prison, go up to the biggest, scariest guy there, and ask him “Have you heard of updog?”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Man: When my brother Sanctus opened his shop, he named it Sanctuary
Friend: Okay, but…
Man: My sister Esther opened her own and named it Estuary
Friend: I know, but just…
Man: So what’s the issue with my own?
Friend: That’s what I’m trying to explain Obi