@gojarbe

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

You Might Also Like

@katiebcomedy

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

@MichaelTrying

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

@isabelzawtun

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

@discoken

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

@ComedyAndTruth

Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: “Your gums are bleeding because you don’t floss.”

@GrantTanaka

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

@jackiembouvier

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.