@gojarbe

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

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@mrtruthandsoul

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

@TheAlexNevil

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

@factcheckingcuz

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

@DirtMcTurd

“Its not you. Its me.”
~ twins going through a photo album

@AmishPornStar1

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

@brendohare

On your first day of prison, go up to the biggest, scariest guy there, and ask him “Have you heard of updog?”

@CantWaitToNap

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

@Gupton68

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

@panmidwest

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

@Alex_Houseof308

Man: When my brother Sanctus opened his shop, he named it Sanctuary

Friend: Okay, but…

Man: My sister Esther opened her own and named it Estuary

Friend: I know, but just…

Man: So what’s the issue with my own?

Friend: That’s what I’m trying to explain Obi