this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

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I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones


This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.


[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]


“Its not you. Its me.”
~ twins going through a photo album


“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand


On your first day of prison, go up to the biggest, scariest guy there, and ask him “Have you heard of updog?”


Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.


Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?


teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that


Man: When my brother Sanctus opened his shop, he named it Sanctuary

Friend: Okay, but…

Man: My sister Esther opened her own and named it Estuary

Friend: I know, but just…

Man: So what’s the issue with my own?

Friend: That’s what I’m trying to explain Obi