Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
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[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.