This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
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[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song