Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
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I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
cop: also you hit 26 cars
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
*sends signal to space 24/7 that just says Updog*
Alien: Whats Updog?
NASA: Lol guess there isnt intelligent life out there
My husband doesn’t like it when I say we are “married” with quotation marks.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I eat so much chicken that other food no longer requires a name, it is simply not chicken.