@clusterBtraits

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

You Might Also Like

@AsgardianRose

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

@omerwahaj

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

@spaceboyriley

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

@TheBoydP

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

@sad_tree

*sends signal to space 24/7 that just says Updog*
*aliens respond*
Alien: Whats Updog?
NASA: Lol guess there isnt intelligent life out there

@Nicoleroxxu

My husband doesn’t like it when I say we are “married” with quotation marks.

@roxiqt

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

@RunOldMan

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

@venom242

I eat so much chicken that other food no longer requires a name, it is simply not chicken.