My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce