@clusterBtraits

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

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@YourMomsucksTho

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

@Home_Halfway

I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes “on the rocks.” They don’t know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in

@kadyngriffiths

[after 16 years of waiting, my kid finally corrects me using a dictionary]

Me: Well if you love dictionaries so much, you should just Merriam, Webster haha

Webster: Is that why-

Me: Yeah, that’s why I named you that

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

@wyatt_privilege

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

@blahdevivre

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

@chriscr10571

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

@AristotlesNZ

8yo: Ghosts real?
Me: No!
4yo: I heard groaning last night
8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning
4yo: What was that?
Me: ..
Them: ..
Me: Ghosts