This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
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I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.