@mattgallo123

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

- @mattgallo123

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@TheToddWilliams

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

@AndyAsAdjective

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

@jctwritesstuff

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

@ArenaFlowers

If video games actually influenced behaviour you’d see a lot more people accidentally jumping in the air when they try to open doors.

@moooooog35

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

@jake_lach

Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?

@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back