Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
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the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here: