*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
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Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
this has done me in for some reason
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”