Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
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*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
i made a craigslist ad !
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.