This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

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I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.


Kids today have it so easy. All you have to do to regain your full health is not fight anyone for a while. In my day we had to go punch a trashcan in the street in the hopes of revealing a whole roast chicken we could eat to heal our wounds


Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*


If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.


“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.


If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me


BREAKING: Republicans may oppose President Obama’s decision to skip breakfast.


Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?



Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.


[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*