I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
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Kids today have it so easy. All you have to do to regain your full health is not fight anyone for a while. In my day we had to go punch a trashcan in the street in the hopes of revealing a whole roast chicken we could eat to heal our wounds
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
BREAKING: Republicans may oppose President Obama’s decision to skip breakfast.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*