@slimmy_shady

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

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@simoncholland

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

@McKelvie

Kids today have it so easy. All you have to do to regain your full health is not fight anyone for a while. In my day we had to go punch a trashcan in the street in the hopes of revealing a whole roast chicken we could eat to heal our wounds

@OnlyFastEddie

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

@TheCatWhisprer

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

@P1LoveChild

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

@shopkins776

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

@LOLGOP

BREAKING: Republicans may oppose President Obama’s decision to skip breakfast.

@daemonic3

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

@Darlainky

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

@AnkCoupleTO

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*