This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
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My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
no one ever comes back
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Pot warmers of the day.