I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
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restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
*Frantically typing on google*
‘How to do CPR’
*Opens video, 30 second ad pops up*
[To dying person]
Ok just hold on a sec
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby