Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
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Once when I had a broken toe, my mom told me to walk it off. When Princess Di died, she sobbed for a day.
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.
Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.