This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
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Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.