@ventivodkacran

This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.

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@eye_spyder

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

@sonictyrant

GENIE: okay, 3 wishes

ME: i want Sean Connery to recite She sells sea shells-

GENIE: that’s two

ME: in the form of a rap

SEAN CONNERY: {clears throat} gimme a shick beat

@JeffLoveness

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

@traciebreaux

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

@newLettuce

Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia

Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-

Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS

@LlamaInaTux

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

@NicestHippo

What should we call it when a man is beautiful?
“Footseveral?”
No but I feel like you’re on the right track

@notacroc

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no