[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
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I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?